Thursday, January 26, 2006

rebate thursday

[Writing live from an undisclosed and tawdry location]

I got my $400.00 Alberta Government Energy rebate cheque in the mail today.

Thanks a lot to Big Daddy. I knew he loved me after all. He's a kind and generous man. And all you envious eastern frenchy loving kyoto signing gay marriage sex agendizing with your pot smoking hippy soccer mom pretensions won't get a piece of this one.

Not unless you fart out another Liberal majority and they bring in a National Energy Alberta Rebate Clawback Program. [1] (<- thats a footnote see bottom)

To be honest though, I'm not sure I'm in totally in need of this cheque. Sure its been a tough year and that may continue but there may be other people who need it more than me.

[Three red heads walking by. What are the chances.]

Take Murray Smith for example. With his paltry half million dollar salary, and his insulting MLA pension Murray struggles to make ends meet as Alberta's point man in Washington D.C. Do you have any idea how much a Limo costs, or a nice dinner at the Savoy Suites Hotel? It's a Dicken's novel for sure. And its not like he's loafing or anything, its hard hard work going to all those Cocktail parties desperately pleading with American Politicians to please please buy Alberta's Oil & Gas. He works hard for his demeaning wage. [2]

[Hey I know that guy over there. He ran this company into the ground. It was really quite funny. Well, not for the employees. ]

I was surprise at the large number of advertisements(sp?) for places that were offering rebates on things provided you paid with your Alberta Energy Rebate cheque. I figured all this piling on of rebates deserved its own word. I thought about super-aggregated-rebate but then I thought that was too grandiose. Then I thought of meta-rebate but that's too Greek and a little thick. One term I am definitely trying to avoid is Master-Rebate. I have settled on the term yoinkabate, as in, yoink thanks for your cheque here's your temporarily over-priced crappy MP3 player. bye now. Is this an example of intelligent design? One day a dinosaur farts, has a debilitating aneurism and falls over into a bog. Fast forward and now you're listening to Green Day. Now that's some wacky evolution, and hardly the work of a Supreme Being.

I was going to do some work on my house with that $400 cheque but I have a feeling that every dinky little job is going to be "around $400" for the next little while. So I guess I'll give some of it to charity, or to a political group that shares my philosophical inclinations.

[1] Just so you know, if you read something like this in the Calgary Herald or Calgary Sun they're probably serious. Me, I'm just goofing around.
[2] Credits to Donna Summer.
Please recommend this post

Thursday, January 19, 2006

A Variation on a Theme

Or...what goes around comes around...

Well I just wanted to assure all our friends in central america that a vote for Ronald Reagan is a vote for peace and stability in the region. We wish you God speed with all your little socialist revolutions. Gosh, I would'nt know how to fund or arm right wing death squads anyhow, and even if I did there's no way our congress would let me get away with that. They'd find out for sure. So I'm no danger at all to you folks. Checks and balances will keep me lucid, you'll see.

A vote for me, Brian Mulroney, would be a vote to respect Mr. Trudeau and his Constitution and in no way would I ever try to redefine that document. I have far too much respect for Mr. Trudeau. I also respect the hard working people of Canada and would never enter into a wacky trade deal or sell out Canada. You can count on me, Brian Mulroney, not do anything right wingy crazy. And besides the Trudeau appointed Liberal activist judges would most certainly stop me. That and a bit of pacreatitis. So vote for me, Brian Mulroney, for a competely harmless Prime Minister. And one other thing...
Sorry, Mr. Mulroney, your time is up.

What? That's a crazy idea. Never ever would I drug, handcuff and then throw my political opponents out of helicopters into the ocean. You do not know the bureaucracy in Chile. It would take years to get the approval. And the military would just not tolerate such a thing. We have a Constitution you know, to protect the people. Look, I simply won't be able to be a homicidal maniac. Its far too complicated. What a crazy question. Next question...?

Oh my good gracious! Argentina? A Thatcher government would have no hostility to Argentina whatsoever. Ridiculous. Even if I wanted to send vessels down there - armed with Nuclear Missiles my critics will say - the British Civil Service would just simply not allow it. There's no way around the British Civil Service. Can't be done. Oh for God sakes don't look at me like that. I'm really quite harmless. John Major is behind all this is'nt he? Please recommend this post

Monday, January 16, 2006

15 Predictions

I've had a protracted predilection for predicting. Thus I offer the following 15 properly prepared predictions regarding the remainder of 2006.

1. Premier Klein will resign sometime within the next six months. This is not only my prediction, it was floated over Christmas by the Calgary Herald who claimed to have inside knowledge of a dump Klein movement that is very advanced in its plans. Mysteriously, the article disappeared from their web site in the new year. In any case, Klein will discretely be offered a very generous package to leave. This will include a major send off that will make Klein look like Jesus Christ. Watch for lots of public things named after Klein. If Klein does not take the package there will be a full blown civil war and he will end up walking the plank. Six months top.

1a. Jim Dinning will win the Tory Party leadership on the first vote.

2. Shelly Winters will remain dead through 2006 and well into 2007.

3. Stephen Harper will win a slim majority in the upcoming general election. He will have a very hard time managing the wingnuts.

4. The Calgary Stampeders will not win the Grey Cup this year. The Calgary media will blame Hugh Campbell, the referees, the bad turf at Commonwealth Stadium, the National Energy Program...

5. Stockwell Day will become Minister of Foreign Affair, thus enhancing our reputation all over the globe. Mr. Day will be sued a third time for libel or defamation, and at some point there will be a riot in the House of Commons when an opposition member refers to him as Hat Trick Day.

6. René Lévesque, Pierre Trudeau and Lester Pearson will all spin in their graves through out the year, all trying to out-spin each other.

7. The Edmonton Oilers will make it to the second round of the NHL playoffs but no further.

8. The Green Party will win 0 seats in the upcoming general election even though their popular vote will increase. Jim Harris will do or say something really really outrageous after the election.

9. The current election campaign of the Liberal Party of Canada will go down in history as the worst run campaign ever. Even worse than John Turner's 1984 debacle. Paul Martin will be dumped as leader (or will resign) sometime this year.

10. Brian Mulroney will claim that he single-handedly engineered Stephen Harper's general election victory.

11. Jean Chrétien will claim that Paul Martin destroyed the Liberal Party of Canada and single-handedly engineered Stephen Harper's general election victory.

12. Tippi Hedren will continue to be very popular in Germany, Denmark and Scotland, and thus for reasons I don't fully understand, will continue to drive readers to my site through google's opaque logic.

13. The author will wake up at 4am one night this week in a cold sweat and realize that the annual prediction meme is so passé it is unbelievable anyone would still be doing it.

14. Monte Solberg will be accused of stealing day old donuts from a Safeway store. Dave Hancock will be photographed by the Edmonton Sun while dressed as a woman.

15. The Edmonton Sun will endorse Ted Morton as the next premier. Please recommend this post