Thursday, September 30, 2004


In the inbox today....

Dear Sirs,

We are the lawyers representing Brian Williams, CBC Sports Broadcaster. We are hereby demanding that you cease and desist in mockery, satire, sarcasm or hyperbole relating to Brian Williams. We will be sending you a more detailed letter in just a moment explaining our further actions should you not comply. You won't want to miss that.


Jackie Jang QC
Jang, Chang, Chang and Kang

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Monday, September 27, 2004

Our Poll of the Week

At What Age Should Girls Start Wearing Make-up
Three Months
Depends on how ugly

Free polls from

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Twinkie Q and A

Twinkie Q&A

Q: Is it true that the maker of Twinkies is going out of business?
A: Yes

KANSAS CITY, MO. - Interstate Bakeries, the U.S. maker of Twinkies and Wonder Bread, filed for bankruptcy protection early Wednesday, toasting [ed. nice pun] its stockholders in the process.

Q: What to they mean by the Twinkie Defense?

In 1978, Dan White, a former San Francisco city supervisor who had recently resigned his position, entered San Francisco City Hall through a basement window, went upstairs, and shot and killed Mayor George Moscone and Supervisor Harvey Milk.

Psychiatrist Martin Blinder testified in court that White had been depressed, which led to eating junk food: Twinkies and Coca-Cola. This further deepened White's depression, since he was an ex-athlete and knew that the food was not good for him. This was evidence of his depression that prompted his murder spree. This celebrated diagnosis became known as the "Twinkie defense."

White's depression was used to establish grounds for a successful diminished capacity plea; and therefore White was judged incapable of the premeditation required for a murder conviction.

Dan White was convicted of the lesser charge of voluntary manslaughter and sentenced to was sentenced to seven years and eight months in prison.

Q: Will I still be able to get Twinkies?
A: Yes. The Canadian Manufacturer is unaffected.

Q: What is Twinkie really slang for?
A: Good looking gay men.

Q: Is there someplace I can get Twinkie Recipes, like Twinky Casseroles for example?
A: Yes.

Q: Why is Twinkie not spelled Twinky.
A: Copyright stuff. Please recommend this post

Friday, September 24, 2004

A Couple of Songs

A couple of songs I can't get out of my head

In honor of the Finnish Hockey Team and their Silver Medal

finland.mp3 (364k)

George Bush covering John Lennon and Lou Reed

bush_imagine.mp3 (2,815k) Please recommend this post

Robin Williams On Golf

Hilarious little video clip with Robin Williams explaining how the Scots invented Golf

robin_golf_128.wmv (1.7 mb)

You may want to send the kids out of the room when you play this because he drops a lot of F's. And we know that the kids are'nt that bright because they walk around all day repeating every stupid thing they hear.
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From Harpers Index for August 2004:

Percentage of Britons who cannot name the city that provides the setting for the Musical Chicago : 65

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Village Idiot Required

With the shamefully self-praising announcement from Provincial Treasurer Pat Nelson that she will not seek re-election, the Alberta Progressive Conservatives who have been in power since 1972, will have to name a new Provincial Treasurer next year. We realize this is a hard position to fill given the previous stellar occupants.

In order to help our glorious leader, we have written a career ad which will surely attract the right candidate. This ad should run in the Calgary Sun for at least one week.

Provincial Treasurer required. Must be able to prepare an annual budget and stick to it within a tight tolerance of 5 to 10 billion dollars. Must be able to give a 90 minute self glorifying budget speech without mentioning a single real number. Must be able to explain sudden and unexpected, yet annual, multi billion dollar budget overages, by constantly just repeating key phrases like out of control, spiraling costs, and the favourite unsustainable. Must be able take absolute credit for high oil and gas prices, but blame anyone else for low oil and gas prices.

No experience with financial management or accounting is required.
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Former Executive Found Frozen

A sad story, but not without some irony.

SEVIERVILLE, Tennessee (AP) -- A retired Sara Lee executive missing since he met with a couple about buying his sport utility vehicle was found dead Thursday, frozen in a rented storage unit. The couple was arrested in what federal authorities believe was a bungled carjacking.
Police say James Cockman may have suffocated when duct tape was placed over his mouth.

Good detective work boys.

Frozen Sara Lee executives are a convenient and tasty treat. And soo easy to make. Just pop the frozen executive in a microwave oven for 3 to 6 minutes and you will have delicious dessert. Just like Mom used to make.
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Monday, September 13, 2004

Duffed at the Dome

Hilary Duff played to a sellout crowd at the Saddledome last night. By sellout we mean all available tickets were sold. A smashing review by the Calgary Herald notes that Hilary Duff does not have to dress slutty because her music is good."

Expect some crossover coverage on the Global Crouton. Why can't you dress slutty and have good music? You could go blind just thinking about something like that. The crowd consisted mostly of young women accompanied by their parents or older male friends.

Meanwhile, in other Music News:

Fred Ebb, who wrote the lyrics for such hit Broadway musicals as Chicago and Cabaret as well as the big-city anthem New York, New York, has died of a heart attack.

...shortly after watching the Movie version of Chicago...

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Alberta Leads the Way

This sounds like a great Alberta Heritage Moment...
EXETER, England (Reuters) -- Muppets Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and his assistant Beaker defeated Dr. Strangelove, Dana Scully of "X Files" fame and Star Trek's Mr. Spock to be voted Britain's favorite screen scientists on Monday. They beat their closest rival by a margin of 2 to 1 and won 33 percent of the 43,000 votes
cast in an Internet poll.

Dr. Honeydew and Beaker went on to become science consultants for the Alberta Goverment and were instrumental in drafting the Goverment's Kyoto Treaty policies.
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Olsen Twins Doubtful

With the NHL Season in doubt, the future of the Olsen Twins seems uncertain also. While still Vancouver's GM Bryan Burke signed Mary-Kate and Ashley to an unprecedented multi-year deal. Burke described them as "...hard-hitting gritty one two punch, typical Canuck power forwards. " But with Mary-Kate disclosing an eating disorder it seems unlikely that both twins will hit the Vancouver training camp in game shape, and the contract may be in jeopardy.

Hockey analysts point out that the pair are much less effective when separated. While playing last year in the Hollowood Junior Hockey League's FayWray Wrackers, Ashley was out for 5 weeks with a broken collar bone. During that time Mary-Kate racked up an uncharacteristic 269 penalty minutes and sank to a -20 plus/minus.

Tension between the Canucks and Oilers GM Kevin Lowe heated up when Lowe described the Olsen Twins as "emaciated little girls...former child actors..." Burke fired back saying Lowe knew " to nothing about drafting a hockey team." Then called him a "foamy mouthed hyperbolist" who engages in "inflated, gaseous lie fuelled rhetoric".
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I'm Brian Williams Forever

...great news folks. I have just come back from an in-depth meeting with my bosses over at CBC sports and I have signed a new contract. Folks you will not believe this deal. Trust me, you'll want to hear about this new contract. We'll be back with that in just a moment.

Welcome back. I told you I would tell you about my new contract and now I'm doing that in just a moment, probably in the next sentence. Ok. I will be hosting the CBC's Olympic coverage for the next 12 Olympic Games. Yes you heard that correctly the next 12 games. For you math buffs that will take us through the year 2032. Hats of to the CBC for making such a great decision. I'll tell you more about that in just a moment.

In just a few moments an in depth analysis of my my personal schedule for the next 12 Olympic games. Not to be missed.

We'll be back after this Viagra commercial. I also have a whole new set of hand gestures that I'm sure you will like. Back after this.
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Swedish Moose Problem

According to the Swedish Public Broadcaster, Sweden has the largest Moose population of any country. Of course, this is not saying much, since most countries south of the 60th parallel, like Somalia for example, don't have any Moose at all.

(It could be that Somalia does have Moose. It could be that we just don't hear about that a lot. Someone ought to suggest this a topic for Global Crouton Sunday. )

This is somewhat disconcerting to the average Canadian who looks at their Quarters and thinks Canada is the Moose's ass. I know Canadians think about this issue a lot.

Apparently the Swedish Mooses, teeming as they are, eat bark off the young Swedish Pine Trees causing big piss offs for the logging executives. Sweden is also teeming with logging executives.

And then there is the darker side of Ikea, where they don't see a young Pine Tree but a closet organizer.

Its all leading to a clash between the Swedish Mooses' supporters and the Swedish Mooses' support not so much people.

Amazing what you learn through insomnia.
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